The Unending Search!!

The Unending Search!!

Whatever is the outside may seem, no one can imagine the storm inside the mask of normality. It is true same thing about ocean and human mind. I can pretend to be happy or calm or at peace with everything but in night when want to sleep all the restless feelings come to surface and I just try to find my good night sleep. It’s all in the mind. Wisdom comes with age and experience and what I got? A lot of anger no patience no self-control only millions of thoughts. Many of them are useless in my daily life, there is no need to think and suffer but still.

It is always frustrating when we search for ourselves. Who am I? What I am looking for in this life? What I supposed to do? May be nothing magnificent may be just living and breathing is all what I suppose to do, nothing big or complicated or philosophical, but still humankind is always been imaginative, living in unnatural hope, so here I am still looking for all the answers of my weird questions. Something never changes.

I don’t know actually what kind of person I am, am I rude or nice or just pretend to be the both as situation needs, am I cleaver or stupid, smart or delusional, what political view inspire me in the core who I am really? I don’t know yet, I am on journey to finding that out, one day may be with my last breath on this glorious universe I will know, but it is in future. Now in present I am feeling confused and frustrated, all thing jumbling up around me, what I want to do is run, as far as possible I want to escape from all of life realities and trouble and confusions, but that I cannot do or I won’t do, may I am that sort of person who constantly want to runway but never does in reality.

I am looking for answers, some peace of mind want to be calm but not finding the proper way, I am not a person of faith, asking question analyzing everything is in my nature so how I will be at peace, peace first need total surrender to something total ignorance or total knowledge, to be most stupid or be most wise, I am standing in between, so peace is nothing like close to me.

What sort of person I am selfish or selfless? May be little bit of both, don’t know, am I socialist or bourgeois? I don’t know, I believe in equality sure I do but still want to get a better job than many others so maybe I am not socialist can’t be in theory. I ask about nature don’t believe in miracles see a man as a man nothing more, myth as history in disguise and legends as a story derailed so I am not religious, but in my troubles I seek advice from my lord Krishna which is   contradictory to my other thoughts, so here it is all so unclear and confusing.

I don’t know when exactly I will know who I am or what sort of person I am, but it is far from now, still searching for something but don’t know what, what will put my mind in peace when will I sleep easily just closing the eyes in seconds, don’t know. My mask of normality never really show the storm inside me, even sometimes the thunder shock me, the storm inside my brain is I am that is me still in making waiting to be complete. I have born in this universe, but still not ready completely.