Those days with me

Those days with me

 Some days are just for memories I guess, no matter what changes but some memories always stands still in mind, may be feelings are gone the people with whom the memories were created are lost from life but still they are here with me just because of those memories I denied to forget, not because they are happy memories but they were real, painful but real more than anything, letting them go means leaving a part of me behind. I have changes who am I kidding still changing but I miss old me every stage of me being me I miss and those memories represents those parts of my life. Can’t let them go, some I should may be but I cannot that is me may be holding me in past without even realizing sometimes. Still what can I do, who I am without my memories the real ones!!!

That is may be my greatest weakness can ignore joke about, I also can move on but one thing that I have never been able to do is just forget, I should but I could not or I won’t still does not matter, who I am is sort of person who spend some of the days like today in the memory lane.

Festive feelings in a festive day….

Festive feelings in a festive day….

Festive days, with lots of colors bright lights, lots of music new dresses and welcoming Devi Durga into our lives, the 4 days of Durga puja is one of the most important festival for a Bengali girl like me, it always brings the nostalgic memory of childhood excitement and fun, it’s like living a dream again and again and again but with each time something change. When I was a child it was all fun and color the brightness all around, growing up started to understand the legend and myths around the Devi Durga tradition, always liked the story of Devi Durga destroying the demon Mahisasur ith all the weapons given her by other gods, but for us Bengalis its like welcoming our own girl with her children in our home or her paternal home for whole four days, then in the Dasami she leaves to her home again, the morning program in morning radio about the story and the Chani Mantra reading by Birendra Krishna Vadra became a must part of the beginning of the Durga puja festival, the day Mahalaya  usually starts the real excitement among us. New dress for each day, decorating the house, enjoying every day with family and friends, visiting all the Mandaps of the city and long talks with friend, just been amazing always, we all wait for these days the whole year, then it pass so quickly.

But with all the lights and color all around darkness always  catches my eye, the shadows lurking in the lights the sad faces behind the happy ones are getting clear every year, when we just shop new dress for each day many little kids just don’t have a single dress to wear, the people searching for foods in happy festive days and returning home without any when we just wasting many food without even thinking, the money all clubs are spending for a bigger and brighter decoration theme for the puja and the constant nonstop music covering all up, while some people don’t have enough money to buy a bread, I always enjoyed the big themes and the luxurious celebrations until now, now I am more like feeling guilty every time want to do something fun, simplicity is what I will enjoy maybe, it is may be hypocritical for me to think like that, but still do, may be thinking like that also spoiled some fun for my friends.

The memories of my childhood and festive days was so more innocent and fun now it is just a mare memory now the feelings has changed with me, may be the celebration for Devi Durga who represent the victory of light over dark over evil should be all about fairness and equality not show off and glamour but holding hands with all around us and light a candle and worship the goodness in our souls. Still phony feelings; of my heart living a good life is what making me so untruthful to the words I have written. But still this day the day of Bijaya Dasami I am sad, I will miss these 4 days and I will wait for the next festive days. This is curious that how the bright lights help me to see beyond the colors of festivals.

Crazy!!!!

Crazy

I do feel you in my blood,

when you flow in my veins,

I can always hear you

with my each heartbeat.

I thought you have realized me

Those medicines may have thrown you out

from my body, from my brain.

I thought I was the winner

You must have loose….

did you really been defeated?

But no!!!

Again like always I can feel you

more powerful than ever.

You never left me,

Deep down waited for a right moment

When I will be vulnerable again..

Now I fully acknowledge you

Cannot care about the world no more,

Nor I can hide you,

You were there and always will be

The craziness of me….

My Soul.....

My Soul

Every drop of your tear

makes a Blood Rose,

Every sorrow of your bleeding heart

makes a Wild Fire.

Every feeling that you feel

Makes the true you!

Every time when you think

creates a little bit of me.

Deep down in your heart

their always me

I am your soul in you

and always will be…..

Lost Dream!!

Lost Dream!!

I saw the Fire Rain,

I believed in the Moon angel!

I swimmed in Golden River; but did you?

You never did anything like those,

did you ever wanted to catch a

star in your hands? No you did not!

I was once your dream,

you have lost me long time ago

in a concrete world.

Still I am waiting for you,

in the fire clouds, in the moonlight,

even in golden rays

Of the sun..

Will you ever going to find me

And make me your dream ever again?

Magic Around the Corner !!

JMagic Around the Corner J

Most of the time, we all are waiting for a miracle, something extraordinary to happen in life. But nothing happens really, nothing extraordinary, not anyone we love ever will be immortal, or any one of us will ever turn into wizard or we don’t even find hidden treasure after a glorious adventure, nothing out of this world. At the end of the day we all live in our common life and sleep or try to sleep in our ordinary beds with extraordinary dreams in our head.

But in the meantime, hoping for something quite marvelous we ignore the little earthly magical things around us, the real miracles, how a nasty little crawling caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly, or how sweet is the hint of a light after a rain coming across the clouds, or how the naughty kid next door became someday a famous social worker, or the how the little cranky man from the next old house wakes up every dawn and give food to the birds and the street dogs, we just miss all those miracles every day and dream about things that is quite impossible to the logic of living.

I cannot think me as a logical person even when I follow all the logic and reasons around me, sometimes doing the obvious things in life seem just stupid, and sometime doing stupid unpredictable things can make the day a lot brighter than other gloomy days. It is much more interesting to be a kid in a huge new world than a grownup in a much smaller known world, it is a habit of us the grownups to make the world much more cozy than it is really, we and our small life, doing the same things over and over again, day by day, but to a kid every moment is like an exploration a new discovery, why sky is blue? Why trees cannot talk? Silly question to us though we don’t know the real answer still, but what silly things to ask. So boring all the time no doubt Peter Pan never wanted to grow up, no one can argue with the logic of never growing up, but it is miracle how a little baby grow up and can became a grumpy old man, the life ever flowing, and never ending life circle is the miracle that we all ignore every day.
What a crazy thing flowing through us as life, without even our true concern. We are living in a magical universe without even knowing it, I thing to feel that first we need a mind like a kid and the knowledge of an old wise man then and only then we can feel the real miracles around us and the magics around the corners!!