Living in a Nightmare..!!!!

Living in a Nightmare..!!!!

I am having frequent nightmares, every time I close my eyes I woke up with a start & sweat but I forget what I have been dreaming about. Still I crave for a sleep and dreams, but I don’t know what I am seeing in my dreams and what is making me so afraid!  Once I thought I have to remember what I am dreaming, it is happening in my brain so I have to train it to remember. I tried and tried one-step at a time; I started to remember glimpses of my dream. Then one day I remember all of it. I was not having a nightmare I was alive, having a life, a beautiful Utopian life, with bright light, love, laughter and peace. The sun shining bright with a pleasant warm feeling, the moon in the night so silvery and gentle, I read, I sing I smile and wonder about anywhere I want, but then I come to a dreadful realization that I am dreaming, this happy place is not my life it is not anybody’s life, it cannot be reality, it is a dreamworld a neverland one must call it that I read in the stories. The land I live never known peace, though it craved for it, the sun shines but with hate and anger, people can’t read, sing or say anything that they want, if they are nobody then they don’t matter, if their words don’t match to the beliefs of the people with deadly weapons they must die like nothing. Here one word is enough reason to kill someone. But we are well designed to withstand any violence nay inhumanity, maybe we died one day without realizing, that is why nothing affects us, we hardly ever scream in desperation, we hardly ever cry for anything real. We are more evolved now, emotionless machines. And among us who accidentally left with little emotion and not quite machine yet we kill them, we try to kill their mind or their body, though mind is more important and dangerous because a creative, curious, rebellious mind can infect many more so kill the mind, the body will die eventually. But do machines dream? May be they do, may be the evolution is not yet done. Maybe we are still a little human inside.

We scared of death, because we don’t know what is waiting for us behind the dark veil, but what if we know where we were going back if we woke up? In a dream that so beautiful and peaceful waking up is a curse and it is heartbreaking and terrifying, it is bad not knowing but it is much more worst that knowing where we are and where we have to live in fear in hate in despair, we cannot avoid, we cannot change. So I woke up terrified with a start and my brain forgets the wonderful dream just to remain sane in this cruel brutal reality. In dreams I live, and I die when I wake up. 

Life & Death!!!!!

Life & Death!!

“Death” one of the most discussed, feared, intriguing subject of all time, we humans who have power of thinking, from the mere beginning we talk about death one way or another. We fear it, we dread it, some people even get overcurious about it, some even worship it, but whatever we do we just wait for it consciously or unconsciously and one day it comes knocking on the door. But it is same for any other animal or living thing on this earth. Ever stars die, so why we waste so many time thinking about something inevitable. On the other hand we all born, live, we have a life, but we don’t care much about it, we take our life for granted and fear death.

There is man I know, live in a safe house, I mean literally safe house that he built for himself, no sharp objects, no dust, nothing merely dangerous because he has a phobia about dying. He is so afraid of death that he had two strokes already. So what is he actually doing by living in fear? He is killing his life, he is allowing the fear to poison his mind and he is wasting his precious life every day.  

What is scary about death? Sometime in the morning while sunrise, if I am awake (that doesn’t happen so often) the beauty of the morning the brightness, the sweetness in the breeze, the smell of flowers, the clear sky makes me so happy, but the thought of leaving all these things behind one day makes me sad too, I love life, love this earth everything around me so leaving all these and go somewhere completely unknown or just ceased to exist doesn’t seem fare. Human being don’t like unknown things, that is why we all try to find answers all the time, to get a clear idea, but we don’t have any clear idea about death. Religions trued to help by giving some answers but there are no definite one, all of them are just depends on faith not on facts that is why we are all scared of the mere idea of leaving everything we know we love everything that we are behind, and move on to something completely new, or simply just vanish in this universe.

Immortality is a subject that we often fantasized about, but even there we put an end somehow. Every moment of this life that I have, breathing in & out, thinking, living, dreading, stress, happiness, sorrow, anger, love, care all of it is very important because it can end any second, that we all know, the smile on face of our loved ones, the smell of my favorite flower, the sound of rain everything is so much special because we are not immortal. We are part of this universe, that is changing and growing but we come & we leave, we born & we die, both of them are miracle in a way. Without sadness there never can be happiness, without tears there’s no need of a smile, without hate we don’t feel love, so without death there is no life. It’s like a wonderful journey & every journey starts somewhere & it must end. We just don’t know where we are going that’s all.

I will sleep after I die…

I will sleep after I die…

It is like waking up after long winter hibernation, in a cold dark cozy comfortable place to gather energy and life force for a new season a known but new season, to start the struggle of life again, to be tired and weak again to assemble all the new experience, yes it is exactly like after hibernation. All that quite time mind thinks, continuously without stopping for a moment in dreams in every waking moment the mind never rest never sleeps, it knows only to process the collected data, the emotions, the memories. So I was in a trance I am who was resting not my mind for once, it was racing, working thinking and trying to communicating with me it was trying to wake me up. After all I was wasting a huge amount of time in rest in sleep in not doing anything, which is some time my most favorite thing to do.

In my life time in my home I never witnessed this kind of cold environment before, it was a new winter like no other before, it was fun at first all the outings, picnics and other outing stuffs, December with Christmas cakes and December ended with last days of 2012, new year of 2013, not good news everywhere, some horrible memories of the past and present a new hope for better life in new near future, all was happening around me including be but still I was in rest in a stop mode, maybe I was processing everything, watching and feeling and dreaming  about some new dreams new goals. I changed after the winter a little bit, got a little angrier got a little bit restless bored and frustrated.

I have been sleeping for a long time, not living, just moving forward is not living, if it is then it is a waste of a lifetime, I was just berating in and out, walking on and on, feeling nothing. But it ends now; it was a metamorphosis may be I was in hibernation a winter thing now I am feeling the sun rays upon my skin I am awake my mind is inside me screaming and crouching to make me conscious of my surroundings, I was walking in a line for a very long time, I was singing a common song for so long I was seeing the same dream as everyone else now it is enough, I want to change I want to walk in a new direction I want to sing a new song, I don’t want to sleep anymore, I will sleep again when my journey will end when it will be only thing to do I will sleep on the day of my demise.